Why This Loss Hurts So Much

Jan 29, 2018

One month without our sweet Bosco. :(

On one hand it still feels like yesterday... and the other feels like so much longer.  It's a harsh reminder that the world doesn't stop and life will keep going on. And I'm no stranger to loss because my dad passed away when I was 15. Talk about heartbreaking and turning your world upside down! Now with Bosco passing, the band-aid that was holding my heart together, was ripped off and broke open my heart after years of healing...

My dad passed after a short battle with cancer (he was only 42). From the time he was diagnosed and then passed it was only about a year. It's something I don't like to talk about and to be honest, I still haven't fully accepted. Yes, it's been almost 18 years and it gets "easier" and of course you learn to deal and move on, but I'm not sure I will ever fully get over it.  There's always a little bit of sadness and heartache, even on the happiest of days (like our wedding or the Holidays), but Bosco always made it better.... happier....

As kids, my sister and I always asked for a puppy... but of course, our parents said NO! As much as we begged and pleaded and said that WE would take care of them, the answer was always no! (and yes, now I get why they always said no, because they both worked full time and dogs are also a lot of work! haha) My aunt had recently got a puppy and I think my mom was feeling guilty and wanted to make us happy, so she finally gave in and said we could get a dog! Not only did we get one.... we came home with TWO! haha There was a litter of pups and I was immediately drawn to Bosco. It was love at first sight... and my mom, the women that never wanted a dog, actually fell in love with one too. (The little black fluff ball in the photo above is Oreo. He was the runt of the litter and sadly passed away from health issues a few months after we got him.) They were the smallest, cutest little things we ever saw and boy did they make us so happy! I would always think how Oreo would've been if he lived longer and I would've loved to see him and Bosco grow up together. Now it brings me some comfort knowing that he's with his brother catching up on lost time... and keeping my Dad company too!

The other reason it hurts so much is because we're struggling to have a baby. When each month passes and it still hasn't happened, it really starts to weigh on your heart. Some women focus on their careers, but I always wanted kids and a big family more than I cared about a job. I'm almost 33 and I know a lot of people will say, that's still young and you still have time. Well, no... not really. Especially when everyone around you seems to get pregnant so easily and you've wanted children since age 28-30.... and for whatever reason, you thought it would be easy for you too... and then you push things off because you think the timing is off or this or that... It's definitely a sensitive subject for me and I don't really like to talk about it, but of course I still have hope...

Plus, Bosco was part of my life for so long and with us through so many things, it will be bittersweet if/when we do have kids, because he won't be there. I always wanted Bosco and our baby to be friends. And they would've been the best of friends because he would've been there to steal (I mean share) their food... ;)

Some people just think of a dog as a pet. But for us, Bosco was family and that's why it hurts so much. I don't like to get personal and this was definitely the most personal post I've ever written. Thanks for bearing with me as I ramble on and continue to process my feelings.

To end this post on a lighter note, want to know how Bosco got his name?
Well, he's named after a cop from a tv show! haha Way back in the day (like 2001-2002ish), I loved the show Third Watch. It was a cop/firefighter/paramedic show and it was one of the officer's nicknames... haha So when Brandon officially became a cop, I just had to take a photo with his badge. <3

That is also Brandon in the McGruff costume... haha

Join the conversation!

  1. Oh my gosh, girl, my heart breaks reading this! I am so, so sorry. I'm dreading the day my pups go.

  2. I really wish things get better for you with time, I'm sure Bosco would love to see you happy again! Sending good vibes from Argentina! :)

  3. You know I’m keeping you in my prayers pretty girl!

  4. It was so lovely to get to know a bit more about Bosco. I am so very sure that he is with Oreo and your dad. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing another heartbreaking loss though. I can only wish and hope that time will mend your heart... I love the last pictures of Bosco and Brando. I totally remember Mcgruff the crime fighting dog - take a bite out of crime! Thinking of you, Jess. Take care.

  5. Aww, I feel you on the losing your dad part. I know that pain all too well. I didn't know the story of how you got Bosco so it was so sweet to finally know! I know you loved him SO much and that you're going through some things right now. I'm thinking of you and praying for your miracles. xo

  6. Oh, Jess. I am sending you so much love. I can't possibly begin to imagine how you're heart is feeling right now, but I think you did a beautiful job at expressing it in this post. I know we aren't close, but please know I'm happy to listen if you ever need someone else to talk to about anything! I am sending you lots of love!!

  7. This was a tough post to read. I don't know what to say, except that I am always here if you want to talk. I know it's been awhile, life taking us down different paths, but I think of you often. Life doesn't make sense sometimes, but your story is helping others feel less alone in their own struggles, including me. I hope that you are feeling a little bit better each day and I pray that your future baby makes an appearance soon, stay positive. <3


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